I am a Saboteur!!!

Yes that is right, I am.   After the positive outlook in my last post to this, very different and still shows the mindset can change quickly. Still doesn’t mean I won’t work towards my goals, just shows how quickly things can change.  It is not something I have considered myself being or really gave much thought to but in light of the last few days I have had it pointed out by my actions and come to the realisation I need to look at this.  Why would I say this?  Well, looking at the below definition found on Dictionary.com I relate to the origin of the word more so than the literal English meaning.  I have never intentionally committed or practised sabotage, more so botched my attempts to complete what I had set out to do.

sab·o·teur

Spelled [sab-uh-tur]

noun

a person who commits or practices sabotage.

Origin:

1920–25;  < French,  equivalent to sabot ( er ) to botch (see sabotage) + -eur -eur

It is now 2 weeks since I came back from holidays having put on a couple of kilograms.  I was determined to get back into things and continue to work my backside off and stay away from alcohol and the demon foods that seem to find me when I have a drink.  Both Julie and I were certain we could do this at least until she went to finale with her girlfriends.  Surely it isn’t hard to go 3-4 weeks without a drink when you have a goal to lose a few kilograms and continue your training?  You would think this would be the case.  Wrong Answer!!!!!

This weekend was also a big one for our family as Julie and Paige were taking part in the Pink Triathlon (both being first timers for triathlons) so we were all going along (minus the little 2) to support them both and a group of other ladies we train with (Dayna, Bec and Nicole). The day went really well and I was extremely proud of all the ladies but mostly my wife and daughter.  Sadly that is where the good stuff ends and the not so good tales start.

My little triathlete crossing the finish line

Julie had to go to work after the triathlon, which meant I was with the kids and preparing dinner etc.  I had to make a trip to the supermarket and decided that I would purchase some wine whilst there.  Don’t ask me why, it just came over me to do so.  Later that afternoon I told her via text I had for tonight and expected her to berate me for it.  Strangely enough she did not and I was a little surprised.  When she arrived home we sat down to a nice glass of wine or 3 which in the grand scheme of things isn’t that bad either, if it is within our calorie allowance.  The worst part of this is that it brought on the munchies.  I then went and devoured some trail mix (more than I should have anyway with mixed nuts and sultanas), half a large packet of chips which the kids had eaten during the day and then a couple of chocolate santas.  WHY????  I don’t know to be honest.  The worst part was, even after waking up feeling crap and knowing why, I proceeded to do it again yesterday.  What was I thinking?  This means that I have now not exercised for the last 2 days and I have allowed myself to eat poorly, very poorly, on both days.  Not all of what I ate was a bad choice, but the good work in the mornings was undone by the choices I made in the afternoons and evenings.

Now this happens to all of us at some point and it certainly doesn’t mean we are all saboteurs, but I realised what impact I was having when my wife told me that when I went off the rails it caused her to do the same.  I know she wasn’t saying this to be horrible or point the finger, she makes her own decisions, but it certainly highlights that my decisions and desires have an impact on what happens in the house and if at any time she isn’t able to flex her willpower muscle, then I have had a detrimental impact on her journey and what she is trying to achieve.  She had a goal to reach a certain weight by finale, was very close to this and now it seems I may have contributed to stuffing that up.  This would then class me as a SABOTEUR.  Not something I am very proud of.  Whilst I am not okay with stuffing up my own round and not sticking to what I wanted to do this round, I do not want to be the reason or cause of someone else not achieving their goals either.

So whilst this is really a bit of a nothing post, I am just using it to blurt out the fact that I am responsible for my own actions.  I own the fact that my willpower muscle was weak over the weekend.  I own the fact that I have stalled in my efforts to reach my goals this round and I own the fact that no-one other than myself can get me to where I want to be.  It is up to me to work my arse off, it is up to me to make sure my food choices are good ones, it is up to me to make sure that I continue the good work I started 8 ½ months ago and it is up to me to continue to strive to be the healthy version of myself that I want to be.  Through doing this, if I can drag along my wife and kids and contribute to them becoming better versions of themselves then that is an added bonus, but without making the right choices for myself, there is no way that I can help anyone else.